Conductor: This is 14th Street. Transfer here for the L as in "lower level of hell".

Conductor over loudspeaker: I know it's Saturday afternoon and all you people are mad confused because the trains are all messed up on weekends, so listen up: The W as in "Will you marry me?" will be running on the Q as in "cookie" line. And the R as in (goes in operatic singing voice) "rooooooooooomeooooooooooo" will be running normally for the rest of the weekend. Alright y'all... There you go. Enjoy your Saturday!

Conductor: This is 81st street. Get off here for the big museum of dead stuff.

Conductor: Near the rear doors, in the blue shirt and black tie, get your saggy stomach clear of the closing doors! 5th Avenue is next.

Conductor: Once more, ladies and gentlemen, things that should not be in the doors when they are closing: heads, shoulders, knees or toes, no purses, arms, or slow companions.

Bus driver: Everyone get on the bus, I got a schedule. For those of you sneaking on in the back, can you at least do it fast? I've got places to be.

Conductor: This is an express, uptown C train. You heard right: an express C train. Next stop: 125th Street. If you need local service on the Upper West Side, please transfer across the platform to the D, as in "Daddy done did it" or B, as in "bad boy Bobby Brown" train.

Conductor: Never give up on life. Keep hope alive. This is 30th Avenue. (On N train in Astoria)

Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the mobile sauna bath.